Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Mom said you looked used
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
