My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
