I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
