How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
