He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
