i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
