New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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