her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
