you have to choose: penises or morals?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
