I wish you could order shots online.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
