She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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