theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
