i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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