my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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