The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
