3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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