Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
