He disabled his match.com account in front of me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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