I think I won the penis lottery.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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