mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
