You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
