Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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