someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize