I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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