I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
