Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
