so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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