How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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