My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
