He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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