we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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