So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
