Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
