I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
