I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
