I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
