You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
