Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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