Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
