just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
