Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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