Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
