I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i love accidental penises.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
