does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
3 2 1 whiskey
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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