Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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