Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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