i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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