Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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