i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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