Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
