I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
