i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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