you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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