oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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