my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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