Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
