My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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