That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
