DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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